Last week ended all crazy. The week before was extra crazy. I might be lucky or I might be a fool -- so I'll take the third option, which is...backburnering? Not that I'm backburnering in anticipation for a specific thing necessarily -- but just...turning down some things so I can focus on the overall state of my mental health/overall life goals kitchen. That metaphor's a pain in the ass, but whatever; I've been drinking (yet another thing I will be addressing/backburnering soon [but after Halloween, goddamnit, best and greatest and most high of all holidays]). Patience and work and patience and craft and proficiency and patience and mindfullness and patience and concentration and patience and patience and delicious projects and
People tell me I'm nice. Or sweet. But people don't often ask why I'm nice to people, and I feel like it's ultimately due to pessimism. Pessimism via buddhism/atheism/nihilism? Nothing fucking matters in the long run, and everyone's having a shit time so, since all you can really definitively influence is your immediate reality, you might as well try to make it a better time for everyone, right? Fuck, I don't know. Instead people seem to take it as though I'm naive, which can be frustrating. Look, man: I see the shithole the world is. Everyone's just going about their life while getting shit on all the time -- but it's not all shit. There are some puppies in there too. I guess that might make it more shit because we eventually have to give up those nice, albeit shit-covered things, but... I guess I feel like any small amount of puppies (or your puppy equivalent) is better than Never Puppies Ever. This post might not make aaaany sense. Guess who's drinkiiiing.
Tonight is the night we tried natto and learned what sour feet taste like. Things are things, and friends are good. I have plans for stuff in the works, and I'm nervous but hopeful. I'm also still a bit ill and up waaaaay past my bedtime. I blame these gosh darn skeletons.
You chase me like I'm the fucking Beatles for six months, and then I finally get comfortable and you shrug?
What the fuck is wrong with you?" "I'm scared, ok? I'm really scared, all the time. I'm like very scared all the time." "Join the fucking club!" "No. Because I'm more scared than most people are when they say that they're scared. I'm like the most scared person who's alive."
I got a crapton done today, and it feels really good. There's still a bit to go cleaning-wise, but I can see the end (and that's a huge win). My goal is to be 100% done with organizing/paring down all my crap by next Thursday, and then it is THE PROJECTS TIMES BABY
Been sick for the past few days, hence finishing up Mr. Robot. Tonight I'm watching Papillon, which is pretty good -- I forgot how crazy that book is (and now that I think about it, I'm not sure what I did with my copy). French Guyanese work camps, solitary confinement for two years, trekking through swampy jungle terrain, hiding out with lepers, sold out by bitchy nuns, more solitary, stuck out on an island -- even if a lot of it is questionable (or "borrowed" from other prisoners) it's still a good read.
The movie's holding up well, too -- I still think the book is better, but the movie's better than I expected. I don't think I've seen anything else Steve McQueen's been in(?), and maybe it's just that a lot of the prison scenes are very muted/washed out colors, but: daaamn that man got some serious blue eyes.
Yeah, also I'm still trying not to think about stupid shit. Also, I'm up way too late for my dumb sick face; I'm going to sleep.
I won't lie: I definitely thought Mr. Robot was going to go a lot more Tyler Durden (and I guess it still might -- at least on one level -- since I haven't finished it) but it's been a good ride. Thumbs up.
All kindsa stuff going down today... some good, some otherwise. I have been pretending I am a field of sunflowers with wind in them -- gentle waves of stillness and motion; sun and shadow and singing cicada. Will this human form always feel heavy? Not the skin, but the history. Not the bones, but all they imply.
Enough of that shit this is your sporadic Okarin reminder goddamn
I can't sleep; my head is full of bees and dumbness. I have work in a few hours anyway, so it feels kind of pointless to try to go back to bed. I got my tablet working last night? That is really the only good thing I can think of right now. ffffffff. Coffee? Coffeeee.
Well hello there everything is JUST FINE THANK YOU now look what happened today it is things:
fffffffffffffff
Time for silly things that exist at the library? Ok.
Asking children the important questions.
I'm surprised my roommate still talks to me
Speaking of my roommate, we both agree that this looks fantastic (despite no subtitles on the trailer), and we're going to have to hunt it down somehow:
I think I've mentioned Dennou Coil here before, but it's good and hey look, some screenshots.
Today yesterday I finally put in my two week notice at BN; according to EVERYONE I KNOW it is past time. I get it -- it's been seven (almost eight?!) years, which means seven years of holiday retail, no benefits, dwindling hours and increasing pressure -- but I'll still miss aspects of it. The breaking point was when my Receiving manager told me I'd have 30 days to get my shelving speed up to "standard" which is basically only possible if you stop caring about where things go or what the store actually looks like. Even a lot of other seasoned booksellers fudge their time (though I don't [sick of shelving shifts and no longer care!], hence the potential write up)-- and with the shelves getting packed with things for the holidays it's only getting worse. Not to mention the flimsy corrugated displays that now seem to block every aisle, impeding the path of a shelving cart that is already hard to maneuver and generally heavy enough to turn your toes into pulp and your back and shoulders into taut, crampy knots. You know what that behemoth does to displays if you don't stop or turn in time? It destroys them, losing you valuable book-shoving time. You need that book-shoving time! Or, they will reprimand you. I'm ssssSSSSSOOOOO DOOOOONNNNNEEEE
That's the good news. The bad news is I lost something nice with someone nice because I am a neurotic basket case and they are an apathetic jerk. My friends say I'm better off on that one, too, but it's been a difficult few days and all that shit seems to be taking off rather than subsiding; at first I was angry, but now the hurt really has its hooks in there like a motherfucker.
Ok, The Universe, I get it: the more I care about [whatever] the more [whatever] will not give a flying fuck about me. Please cease your very painful demonstrations of this law.
What aspects of BN will I miss? Seeing the new books on Tuesdays. 90% of my co-workers. Making the shelves pretty. Getting excited with customers who ask for the good shit. Doing extra stuff for customers who need books on difficult topics (the death & grieving books, stuff on mental illness, etc). Laughing with co-workers about awful or hilarious covers. Cheap caffeine! That feeling when you find a book no one else could find for someone who really needs it.
More I won't: customers who don't acknowledge you as human (on the phone, no eye contact, just saying a book name at you with no preamble whatsoever), customers who buy hateful stuff (who also generally fall into the previous category), Slowguy "Ask a Manager" McNohelp, Obsequiousairhead Von Kissass, customers who stop you when your arms are full and don't acknowledge it in any way, "it's cheaper on Amazon," people who think I can do anything about prices or shipping time, leaving my house by 6:00(walking)-6:30(biking) am, PUSHING THE MEMBER CARD, holiday insanity, people getting pissed off when there aren't enough cashiers, that time I grabbed a book covered in snot, bathroom messes, screaming children.
TWO WEEKS MOTHERFUCKERS
My thoughts were so loud I couldn't hear my mouth.
My thoughts were so loud I couldn't hear my mouth.
My brain chemistry appears to have crashed somethin' fierce today, and my human body feels gross and sore on top of that. I woke up freezing this morning even though it hasn't been cold, and that was weird but doesn't seem to have continued. I don't know; I called out sick from work, but I don't know how much of this is mental bullshit; I just know I am barely moving and my back and joints are shrieking like old lady banshees and everything feels weirdly distant and I feel like crap.
I'm drawing some things? The week has been odd in other ways as well, buttttttttt.....I don't feel like getting into the incidents in question. I feel like taking a nap, but I work at 7 tomorrow (read: getting up at 5:30) and I don't want to throw that off after missing today. G...ganbare? Blurgh.
Ahoy, the blog! This week has been wild and expensive. I bought clothes for the first time in...at least six months (almost certainly longer) due to a desperate need for shoes that aren't falling apart. I found some, but they need to be broken in more as they are currently doing terrible things to my feet; ouch.
There was a wild bbq last night, hosted by my brother, the night before that there was similar craziness, and just...yeah, crazy. Been a crazy week. This weekend will probably continue that, since LIBRARY! COMIC-CON is tomorrow (though I work BN in the morning, so I'll probably only make it in for a few hours, if at all? ;n; ).
I'm pushing myself on a lot of projects, but I feel kind of futile about it. I keep messing up my lines. I HATE INKING SOMETIMES, ARRRGH. Then I feel like I should clean it up digitally to fix those little imperfections and I know that'll just take SO MUCH LONGER and I just want to toss the whole thing. Actually, I feel exasperated with a lot of stuff right now. Why even bother?
They canceled my shift this morning, but I got some decent cleaning done. I am SO CLOSE to getting this place livable. SO CLOSE!!!
