Holidaze // Anime Time: The Weabooening

Ahoy, fronds; it's been a time.
Made it through the hoolidays technically, but things haven't slowed down much -- Christmas was tricky, but New Year's was quite nice. Today's been pretty good too, except I'm behind on a few things, but at this point that's my own fault. I'M FUCKING GOING TO SC IN MARCH. They played Willy Beamish on the SGF stream tonight?!?! What the fuck is even happening.

Is this the real life?

I started medication a week and a half ago; I think it's been helping but I can't always tell how much. Sometimes I feel kind of "evened out," and that feels nice, but it hasn't helped (and may not be able to) with the jaw stuff, which tends to lead to headaches -- actually, one of the first nights I think it might have kicked me into a (really) bad migraine, but luckily that hasn't happened again.

Maybe the medication's been helping more than I'm giving it credit for; I think today in particular has just been a little off -- and if that's the case then I just need a little time to shake it off.

On to lighter things!

I got some sick-ass Christmas biz:

As did my Coven Sistress because look at this fucking cat breads

Also:

1. This bread is called "anpan"
2. Cat sound = "nyan"
3. So obv. this is Nyanpan and it is the fucking cutest and best thing in the galaxy

* * * Book Intermission! * * *

Hey, this was good! I have more of a book post in the works, and among its treasures it includes some serious what-the-fuck! Intermission complete! \o/

Ok time for this!

* * * TIME FOR WEABOO SHAME * * *

MANDATORY SHAME RITUAL COMPLETE NOW LOOK AT THIS ANIMES

Uh yeah

Shirobako has kind of a goofy premise if you read the description (Five school friends in the animation club, and "...After they graduated they still pursued animation and swore on some donuts that they would make another anime together.") and yes, the donuts thing is cheesy af...but I like the realism it goes for with regard to representing a wee little studio in the animation industry, and I like the characters. It's fun :3

I also signed up for a premium Crunchyroll trial, so BACK TO ARAKAWA, the best story about a guy falling in a river.

Yes.

You call it chivalry / never pull a punch for free // Literarily just a swarm of B's

* * * B-B-B-BOOK TIME BABY * * *

Me: Regular access to a library, ehhhh?
Me: *slowly buries self in a cumulative avalanche of books and media*

Me: This is my nest, I live here now.

Talk nonsense, but

talk your own nonsense,

and I'll kiss you for it.

To go wrong in one's own way

is better than to go right in someone else's.

In the first case

you are a man,

in the second you're

no better than a bird.

Truth won't escape you, but

life can be cramped.

! SO GOOD !

* * * Quotes! (Emphasis mine) * * *

"Women's liberation has often been portrayed as a movement intent on encroaching upon or taking power and privilege away from men, as though in some dismal zero-sum game, only one gender at a time could be free and powerful. But we are free together or slaves together."

* * *

"She [Susan Sontag] was making the case that we should resist on principle, even though it might be futile. I had just begun trying to make the case for hope in writing, and I argued that you don't know if your actions are futile; that you don't have the memory of the future; that the future is indeed dark, which is the best thing it could be; and that, in the end, we always act in the dark. The effects of your actions may unfold in ways you cannot foresee or even imagine."

 * * *

"The worst criticism seeks to have the last word and leave the rest of us in silence; the best opens up an exchange that need never end"

* * *

"It takes time. There are milestones, but so many people are traveling along that road at their own pace, and some come along later, and others are trying to stop everyone who's moving forward, and a few are marching backward or are confused about what direction they should go in. Even in our own lives we regress, fail, continue, try again, get lost, and sometimes make a great leap, find what we didn't know we were looking for, and yet continue to contain contradictions for generations."

* * *

"Women are an eternal subject, which is a lot like being subjected, or subjugated, or a subject nation, even. There are comparatively few articles about  whether men are happy or why their marriages also fail or how nice or not their bodies are, even the movie-star bodies. They are the gender that commits the great majority of crime, particularly violent crime, and they are the majority of suicides as well. American men are falling behind women in attending college, and have fallen farther in the current economic depression than women, which you'd think would make them interesting subjects of inquiry.

I think the future of something we may no longer call feminism must include a deeper inquiry into men. Feminism sought and seeks to change the whole human world; many men are on board with the project, but how it benefits men, and in what ways the status quo damages men as well, could bear far more thought. As could an inquiry into the men perpetrating most of the violence, the threats, the hatred--the riot squad of the volunteer police force--and the culture that encourages them. Or perhaps this inquiry has begun." 

* * *

* * * ( Non-book junk ) * * *

I don't know what the deal is. Had a rough few days with some ~BIG STUFF~ going down, and got kind of knocked on my ass by all that. I'm going to buckle down on not drinking again -- it always leaves me worse off, even if it seems alright for the most part. Sunday was a mixed bag; almost didn't make it to work (but did) and then was panicking about a big conversation with my folks (which went well overall but still left me pretty burnt out, as did the visit with my grandparents -- a similar mix of good+stressful).
In retrospect I shouldn't have piled allllll that stuff on to my brain the evening before something ELSE I was incredibly nervous about, namely my appointment to see about potential medication. That... was kind of awful. I was already a bit of a wreck that morning (still had a hard time making it into work, very much over-worrying about logistics, etc), and I don't know if I would have followed through if I hadn't had a friend there for backup. Reading up on the medications I'm optimistic about trying them, but I... was just incredibly uncomfortable at that clinic and really, really don't want to go back. I'm going to talk to my therapist on Friday and see if we can figure something else out, but...man, fuck that noise.
Today's off to a better start (and MUCH better mood/outlook-wise) but overall I just feel emotionally exhausted -- hopeful, but also like I could sleep like a brick for a week.

tend to wonder why

With the darkness descending, our destiny's bending -- to forces we can't understand // Cthulhu liiiives

iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiIIIIIIIT'S THAT TIME OF THE YEAR AGAIN YOU KNOW THE ONE OK

YEP

YEPPP. Also please enjoy your mandatory FISHMENS, citizen:

10 out of 10 magpie librarbians support fishmens Yaya ok

ALSO THIS

Yeah, I love HPLHS and yeah you should too.

This has been: a time of the year

With: me


***EDIT***
Man, I started watching a movie but it was ~~¡¡¡WAAYYYYY!!! TOO INTENSE~~ for yon present eventide -- but it's an intense movie in general so that probably should have been obvious to my dumb face yes I make bad choices ok.

Ok, not that bad, fuuuck

They broke the walls we guarded (but we don't care about it)

O hoi dere.
Stuff's been...better this week, I think. I got to back somebody else up a bit and that was a nice feeling. At the end of work today I started to get a little melancholy-ed out, but I also got some art stuff done today, and some snuggles -- so that was nice. I'm due for some sleep, but I'm planning to work a little before I fall over (not too long, though, since I have a pretty full day tomorrow). Also, Thursday I'm going in for a screening regarding trying out some medication to balance out my head biz and I am nervous as balllllllllllllllllllls.

You feel...something // She looks like a ball

I made this on Saturday because it kept popping into my head and it pleased me -- but out of everyone I've shown so far I think I'm probably the one who is most amused by it.

Sunday I spent curled up in a blank, shaky ball in a corner of my room and it was awful and everything is still kind of awful. I feel like I managed maybe an hour and a half of stability (off and on) and somewhere in there I managed to email my therapist, who gave me some phone numbers that I haven't managed to call yet. Everything feels like a huuuuge ordeal and really blank and distant at the same time. I feel like a piece of styrofoam that's trying to act like a human being.

I'm trying to eat some food? I'm also trying to work up the nerve to go into work but it's kind of freaking me out and I just want to curl up in the corner and hug my squid some more. I like my job, and last week was going just peachy (lots of getting out to nice times with friends, feeling fine and stable and productive); what the fuck is wrong with me?

Fly away / fly away to what you want to make

Missed my self-imposed post deadline again. I keep having things 90% done but the tail end of the week always seems to get away from me. Blugh. :/
I've been up in my head a lot the past few days, trying to work some things out. I'm not sure where I'm at yet, and there are still a few things that I guess I'm still trying to avoid thinking about, too -- but procrastinating on that front translates into project time, so that might be an ok tradeoff for now? I guess we'll see. I might have a picture for you tomorrow, little bloglinnnnggggsss

/falls over

Oooh I'll be the one to break my
heart I'll be the one who'll break my
heart I'll be the one who'll break my
heart I'll end it though you started it

The feral dance of infinity // Are we dreaming are we dying

"So let's continue... who's the master here? How is it that this question of authority, power, and sovereignty can be said to have ruled the West? And why is it that desire is the aporia -- the little piece of puzzle that will never fit in the right place, and with, as both as event and motion, physical motion and transformation, a drive, a thirst -- all these names meaning something that cannot be grasped or ruled -- why are we always coming across it?"

It's really hard to know what you want without getting shoved around by your immediate culture. It's weird to think about how your brain constructs a self and how that self changes over time. Desire's weird because it can never sit still; get the thing you were after and you have to face the reality of it vs. whatever perception you'd conceived in your pursuit of the thing, and meanwhile desire's off and running again with some new problem, never contained. Consciousness is weird. Time is weird.

I know I've linked that video a bunch now, but

• uh it's great ok
• for a fun twist, throw this video on (quietly) at the same time why not

"...the dream covers Alice's high-wire reality (truth cannot be released directly, so it seems). Even if -- as Nietzsche's children -- we know there is no such thing as truth, we are still addicted to it.

So, arriving under the nose of little Alice -- our common name as children -- is a muttering rabbit, overtaken by the anxiousness of a rendezvous that he will miss should he not be running like mad to make it in time.
But shh! Here comes the sight of desire: a
shadowy,
muttering,
hurried
rabbit.
A running animal who compels us to run after it,
making ourselves immediately the follower of a follower -- hastily heading to reach a rendezvous we know nothing about, except that it will make Alice -- that is, us -- experience a crazy journey through time and space, friendship, emotions, absurd death sentences, foolish repetitions, growing too much, being too small, meeting crazy people who think they're perfectly normal -- that is,
life."

Sleepy much // Sun in the morning

fUtility // future as a joke --///-- Good things remix

First off: THIS IS SO GOOD

THIS IS WEIRD AND ALSO GOOD OK

Mini update thingggg

Hey folks, sorry about the lack of update stuff -- I promise I've tried, but every time I sit down to write I just get all tangled up. I've been doing the therapy thing for a few weeks now (2 sessions, really -- we skipped a week) and I think it's been helping...but I had kind of a backslide Wednesday. Today/yesterday have been better, but I still feel like...part of me is waiting to really be convinced that this is all worth it, and like no matter what I do or how hard I work (on [whatever]) it won't ever really matter. So that's something I want to try to drag up in my session tonight -- that and some (more) potential coping tricks so I can make it through one fucking work shift my god

My manager has kind of gently hinted about asking about medication, and I might be ready to go that route -- but some of the potential side effects make me nervous, and the only time I've really been prescribed anything was one time, and it was waaayyyy the wrong thing. I know I stay kind of vague about symptoms, largely because I'm not going to try to diagnose myself -- so I don't even know what I'd start out on -- but there's also price to consider, and starting to think about all this is usually when my brain starts to just throw out a lot of "why the fuck"s.

I'm plugging along, though; yesterday got better (semi-productive smash!) and I did manage to finish my shift Wednesday despite the meltiness.

Got an anime post-type thing in the works, and

!!! * * * In case you didn't know!?!?! * * * !!!

I started a co-op art blog thing with a friend of mine. It has some stuff on it? You can find it right here, yo.

My heart is a worried thing // Therapy Giraffe

I posted (some of) the following to tumblr, but I'm going to stick it here, too -- I had a pretty serious meltdown on Tuesday and I have a therapy appointment tomorrow that I'm nervous about, so I drew myself a giraffe pep-talk.

I think I'm doing better, but stuff's been pretty up and down. I'll have more to say tomorrow, I think -- I've got a lot to mull over in the meantime, and I'm pretty beat.

I'm on the same side as you

I'm just a little bit behind

(patience) // There will be coffee

"...I want to be treated like the individual I am—a bloodthirsty killer who will do anything for a quickening."

Hello my little ducklings! It is late indeed; I was going to write you a proper post, but I kind of have Jello-brain. SO real quick: projects in the works! I bought Undertale! I've been playing Transistor! I read some comics and checked out more thiiiiiiiiiings! I got a free cheeseburger today! Lots of anime! We have some crazy librarian free-for-all day coming up at work! There will be coffee! Emotions are pretty dumb! Life is a thing with nice bits in! Some things not so nice as well, and that is crummy! What remains of the week is full of plaaannnnnssssssss

why // patience

>O<


Last week ended all crazy. The week before was extra crazy. I might be lucky or I might be a fool -- so I'll take the third option, which is...backburnering? Not that I'm backburnering in anticipation for a specific thing necessarily -- but just...turning down some things so I can focus on the overall state of my mental health/overall life goals kitchen. That metaphor's a pain in the ass, but whatever; I've been drinking (yet another thing I will be addressing/backburnering soon [but after Halloween, goddamnit, best and greatest and most high of all holidays]). Patience and work and patience and craft and proficiency and patience and mindfullness and patience and concentration and patience and patience and delicious projects and

Freethrow confessions

(whispers):  I can't stop listening to Uptown Funk



Edit: YEAH GIRL

But maybe I have come here to die // Free // I let it leave me

Turn your head -- remember:

this is free love;

you are free to bury the body that ties you down (and sets you free)

Take apart the ugly days and you will never see the sun