My heart is a worried thing // Therapy Giraffe

I posted (some of) the following to tumblr, but I'm going to stick it here, too -- I had a pretty serious meltdown on Tuesday and I have a therapy appointment tomorrow that I'm nervous about, so I drew myself a giraffe pep-talk.

I think I'm doing better, but stuff's been pretty up and down. I'll have more to say tomorrow, I think -- I've got a lot to mull over in the meantime, and I'm pretty beat.

I'm on the same side as you

I'm just a little bit behind

(patience) // There will be coffee

"...I want to be treated like the individual I am—a bloodthirsty killer who will do anything for a quickening."

Hello my little ducklings! It is late indeed; I was going to write you a proper post, but I kind of have Jello-brain. SO real quick: projects in the works! I bought Undertale! I've been playing Transistor! I read some comics and checked out more thiiiiiiiiiings! I got a free cheeseburger today! Lots of anime! We have some crazy librarian free-for-all day coming up at work! There will be coffee! Emotions are pretty dumb! Life is a thing with nice bits in! Some things not so nice as well, and that is crummy! What remains of the week is full of plaaannnnnssssssss

why // patience

>O<


Last week ended all crazy. The week before was extra crazy. I might be lucky or I might be a fool -- so I'll take the third option, which is...backburnering? Not that I'm backburnering in anticipation for a specific thing necessarily -- but just...turning down some things so I can focus on the overall state of my mental health/overall life goals kitchen. That metaphor's a pain in the ass, but whatever; I've been drinking (yet another thing I will be addressing/backburnering soon [but after Halloween, goddamnit, best and greatest and most high of all holidays]). Patience and work and patience and craft and proficiency and patience and mindfullness and patience and concentration and patience and patience and delicious projects and

Freethrow confessions

(whispers):  I can't stop listening to Uptown Funk



Edit: YEAH GIRL

But maybe I have come here to die // Free // I let it leave me

Turn your head -- remember:

this is free love;

you are free to bury the body that ties you down (and sets you free)

Take apart the ugly days and you will never see the sun

Yeah, I slip; I'm still an animal // On bittersweetness // (and shit)

People tell me I'm nice. Or sweet. But people don't often ask why I'm nice to people, and I feel like it's ultimately due to pessimism. Pessimism via buddhism/atheism/nihilism? Nothing fucking matters in the long run, and everyone's having a shit time so, since all you can really definitively influence is your immediate reality, you might as well try to make it a better time for everyone, right? Fuck, I don't know. Instead people seem to take it as though I'm naive, which can be frustrating. Look, man: I see the shithole the world is. Everyone's just going about their life while getting shit on all the time -- but it's not all shit. There are some puppies in there too. I guess that might make it more shit because we eventually have to give up those nice, albeit shit-covered things, but... I guess I feel like any small amount of puppies (or your puppy equivalent) is better than Never Puppies Ever. This post might not make aaaany sense.
Guess who's drinkiiiing.

In your eyes

I see the eyes of somebody I knew before

(long, long), long ago...but

I'm still trying to make my mind up:

am I free

or am I tied up?

I change shapes

just to hide in this place

But I'm still...I'm still an animal.

Nobody knows it but me

when I slip

Early birds // a hollow wound

Bit of a mess last night. I've been awake since like 6 listening to the neighborhood wake up.

 

Left you over by the wishin' well

(wandering, wondering if these trees could tell)

I will sing as your canary bird; take my soul and bury it in the earth.

I will sing as your canary bird

(oh yes I will, yes

I will)

Sunflowers // Run with me

You can't see that I'm just the same

as all the stupid people who you hate

I'm not saying I'm free from blame 'cause

I need all the friends I can get

Tonight is the night we tried natto and learned what sour feet taste like. Things are things, and friends are good. I have plans for stuff in the works, and I'm nervous but hopeful. I'm also still a bit ill and up waaaaay past my bedtime. I blame these gosh darn skeletons.

Time being Time (I know when it's time to leave) // Space funk

"Is this the game?

You chase me like I'm the fucking Beatles for six months, and then I finally get comfortable and you shrug?

What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"I'm scared, ok?
I'm really scared, all the time. I'm like very scared all the time."
"Join the fucking club!"
"No. Because I'm more scared than most people are when they say that they're scared. I'm like the most scared person who's alive."

I got a crapton done today, and it feels really good. There's still a bit to go cleaning-wise, but I can see the end (and that's a huge win). My goal is to be 100% done with organizing/paring down all my crap by next Thursday, and then it is THE PROJECTS TIMES BABY

 (This is a thing of perfect beauty)

A wasted life // "Hey, you bastards, I'm still here"

Been sick for the past few days, hence finishing up Mr. Robot. Tonight I'm watching Papillon, which is pretty good -- I forgot how crazy that book is (and now that I think about it, I'm not sure what I did with my copy). French Guyanese work camps, solitary confinement for two years, trekking through swampy jungle terrain, hiding out with lepers, sold out by bitchy nuns, more solitary, stuck out on an island -- even if a lot of it is questionable (or "borrowed" from other prisoners) it's still a good read.

The movie's holding up well, too -- I still think the book is better, but the movie's better than I expected. I don't think I've seen anything else Steve McQueen's been in(?), and maybe it's just that a lot of the prison scenes are very muted/washed out colors, but: daaamn that man got some serious blue eyes.

Yeah, also I'm still trying not to think about stupid shit. Also, I'm up way too late for my dumb sick face; I'm going to sleep.

I want a way out of loneliness

I won't lie: I definitely thought Mr. Robot was going to go a lot more Tyler Durden (and I guess it still might -- at least on one level -- since I haven't finished it) but it's been a good ride. Thumbs up.

Trentonnn~♥

Edit: called itttttttt

Chunibyo (Chunibesto)

All kindsa stuff going down today... some good, some otherwise. I have been pretending I am a field of sunflowers with wind in them -- gentle waves of stillness and motion; sun and shadow and singing cicada. Will this human form always feel heavy? Not the skin, but the history. Not the bones, but all they imply.


Enough of that shit this is your sporadic Okarin reminder goddamn

Just here to remind you about Okarin

Restless stressed mess

I can't sleep; my head is full of bees and dumbness. I have work in a few hours anyway, so it feels kind of pointless to try to go back to bed. I got my tablet working last night? That is really the only good thing I can think of right now. ffffffff. Coffee? Coffeeee.

Escapism > feelings // Some days I'm built of metal, I can't be broken (but not when I'm with you)

Lay it, lay it down, let me see your hand;

show me what you got.

You're always talking, but you're not playing --

it doesn't match your face.

(Gotta find my way, away from this place)

Well hello there everything is JUST FINE THANK YOU now look what happened today it is things:

fffffffffffffff

Time for silly things that exist at the library? Ok.

Asking children the important questions.

I'm surprised my roommate still talks to me

Speaking of my roommate, we both agree that this looks fantastic (despite no subtitles on the trailer), and we're going to have to hunt it down somehow:

I think I've mentioned Dennou Coil here before, but it's good and hey look, some screenshots.

fffffffffffffff

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

I'm...I'm out. D:

Drinking in the summer, I'm good at running

I beat you in the race again

Are you afraid, when I look your way

It's easiest to stay at home

Where is the love, the kind we dream of

The kind that makes us young

Walk a little farther to another plan. / You said that you did, but you didn't understand.

Today yesterday I finally put in my two week notice at BN; according to EVERYONE I KNOW it is past time. I get it -- it's been seven (almost eight?!) years, which means seven years of holiday retail, no benefits, dwindling hours and increasing pressure -- but I'll still miss aspects of it. The breaking point was when my Receiving manager told me I'd have 30 days to get my shelving speed up to "standard" which is basically only possible if you stop caring about where things go or what the store actually looks like. Even a lot of other seasoned booksellers fudge their time (though I don't [sick of shelving shifts and no longer care!], hence the potential write up)-- and with the shelves getting packed with things for the holidays it's only getting worse. Not to mention the flimsy corrugated displays that now seem to block every aisle, impeding the path of a shelving cart that is already hard to maneuver and generally heavy enough to turn your toes into pulp and your back and shoulders into taut, crampy knots. You know what that behemoth does to displays if you don't stop or turn in time? It destroys them, losing you valuable book-shoving time. You need that book-shoving time! Or, they will reprimand you. I'm ssssSSSSSOOOOO DOOOOONNNNNEEEE

That's the good news. The bad news is I lost something nice with someone nice because I am a neurotic basket case and they are an apathetic jerk. My friends say I'm better off on that one, too, but it's been a difficult few days and all that shit seems to be taking off rather than subsiding; at first I was angry, but now the hurt really has its hooks in there like a motherfucker.

Ok, The Universe, I get it: the more I care about [whatever] the more [whatever] will not give a flying fuck about me. Please cease your very painful demonstrations of this law.



What aspects of BN will I miss? Seeing the new books on Tuesdays. 90% of my co-workers. Making the shelves pretty. Getting excited with customers who ask for the good shit. Doing extra stuff for customers who need books on difficult topics (the death & grieving books, stuff on mental illness, etc). Laughing with co-workers about awful or hilarious covers. Cheap caffeine! That feeling when you find a book no one else could find for someone who really needs it.

More I won't: customers who don't acknowledge you as human (on the phone, no eye contact, just saying a book name at you with no preamble whatsoever), customers who buy hateful stuff (who also generally fall into the previous category), Slowguy "Ask a Manager" McNohelp, Obsequiousairhead Von Kissass, customers who stop you when your arms are full and don't acknowledge it in any way, "it's cheaper on Amazon," people who think I can do anything about prices or shipping time, leaving my house by 6:00(walking)-6:30(biking) am, PUSHING THE MEMBER CARD,  holiday insanity, people getting pissed off when there aren't enough cashiers, that time I grabbed a book covered in snot, bathroom messes, screaming children.

TWO WEEKS MOTHERFUCKERS

My thoughts were so loud I couldn't hear my mouth. 

My thoughts were so loud I couldn't hear my mouth. 

My thoughts were so loud.