They broke the walls we guarded (but we don't care about it)

O hoi dere.
Stuff's been...better this week, I think. I got to back somebody else up a bit and that was a nice feeling. At the end of work today I started to get a little melancholy-ed out, but I also got some art stuff done today, and some snuggles -- so that was nice. I'm due for some sleep, but I'm planning to work a little before I fall over (not too long, though, since I have a pretty full day tomorrow). Also, Thursday I'm going in for a screening regarding trying out some medication to balance out my head biz and I am nervous as balllllllllllllllllllls.

You feel...something // She looks like a ball

I made this on Saturday because it kept popping into my head and it pleased me -- but out of everyone I've shown so far I think I'm probably the one who is most amused by it.

Sunday I spent curled up in a blank, shaky ball in a corner of my room and it was awful and everything is still kind of awful. I feel like I managed maybe an hour and a half of stability (off and on) and somewhere in there I managed to email my therapist, who gave me some phone numbers that I haven't managed to call yet. Everything feels like a huuuuge ordeal and really blank and distant at the same time. I feel like a piece of styrofoam that's trying to act like a human being.

I'm trying to eat some food? I'm also trying to work up the nerve to go into work but it's kind of freaking me out and I just want to curl up in the corner and hug my squid some more. I like my job, and last week was going just peachy (lots of getting out to nice times with friends, feeling fine and stable and productive); what the fuck is wrong with me?

Fly away / fly away to what you want to make

Missed my self-imposed post deadline again. I keep having things 90% done but the tail end of the week always seems to get away from me. Blugh. :/
I've been up in my head a lot the past few days, trying to work some things out. I'm not sure where I'm at yet, and there are still a few things that I guess I'm still trying to avoid thinking about, too -- but procrastinating on that front translates into project time, so that might be an ok tradeoff for now? I guess we'll see. I might have a picture for you tomorrow, little bloglinnnnggggsss

/falls over

Oooh I'll be the one to break my
heart I'll be the one who'll break my
heart I'll be the one who'll break my
heart I'll end it though you started it

The feral dance of infinity // Are we dreaming are we dying

"So let's continue... who's the master here? How is it that this question of authority, power, and sovereignty can be said to have ruled the West? And why is it that desire is the aporia -- the little piece of puzzle that will never fit in the right place, and with, as both as event and motion, physical motion and transformation, a drive, a thirst -- all these names meaning something that cannot be grasped or ruled -- why are we always coming across it?"

It's really hard to know what you want without getting shoved around by your immediate culture. It's weird to think about how your brain constructs a self and how that self changes over time. Desire's weird because it can never sit still; get the thing you were after and you have to face the reality of it vs. whatever perception you'd conceived in your pursuit of the thing, and meanwhile desire's off and running again with some new problem, never contained. Consciousness is weird. Time is weird.

I know I've linked that video a bunch now, but

• uh it's great ok
• for a fun twist, throw this video on (quietly) at the same time why not

"...the dream covers Alice's high-wire reality (truth cannot be released directly, so it seems). Even if -- as Nietzsche's children -- we know there is no such thing as truth, we are still addicted to it.

So, arriving under the nose of little Alice -- our common name as children -- is a muttering rabbit, overtaken by the anxiousness of a rendezvous that he will miss should he not be running like mad to make it in time.
But shh! Here comes the sight of desire: a
shadowy,
muttering,
hurried
rabbit.
A running animal who compels us to run after it,
making ourselves immediately the follower of a follower -- hastily heading to reach a rendezvous we know nothing about, except that it will make Alice -- that is, us -- experience a crazy journey through time and space, friendship, emotions, absurd death sentences, foolish repetitions, growing too much, being too small, meeting crazy people who think they're perfectly normal -- that is,
life."

Sleepy much // Sun in the morning

fUtility // future as a joke --///-- Good things remix

First off: THIS IS SO GOOD

THIS IS WEIRD AND ALSO GOOD OK

Mini update thingggg

Hey folks, sorry about the lack of update stuff -- I promise I've tried, but every time I sit down to write I just get all tangled up. I've been doing the therapy thing for a few weeks now (2 sessions, really -- we skipped a week) and I think it's been helping...but I had kind of a backslide Wednesday. Today/yesterday have been better, but I still feel like...part of me is waiting to really be convinced that this is all worth it, and like no matter what I do or how hard I work (on [whatever]) it won't ever really matter. So that's something I want to try to drag up in my session tonight -- that and some (more) potential coping tricks so I can make it through one fucking work shift my god

My manager has kind of gently hinted about asking about medication, and I might be ready to go that route -- but some of the potential side effects make me nervous, and the only time I've really been prescribed anything was one time, and it was waaayyyy the wrong thing. I know I stay kind of vague about symptoms, largely because I'm not going to try to diagnose myself -- so I don't even know what I'd start out on -- but there's also price to consider, and starting to think about all this is usually when my brain starts to just throw out a lot of "why the fuck"s.

I'm plugging along, though; yesterday got better (semi-productive smash!) and I did manage to finish my shift Wednesday despite the meltiness.

Got an anime post-type thing in the works, and

!!! * * * In case you didn't know!?!?! * * * !!!

I started a co-op art blog thing with a friend of mine. It has some stuff on it? You can find it right here, yo.

My heart is a worried thing // Therapy Giraffe

I posted (some of) the following to tumblr, but I'm going to stick it here, too -- I had a pretty serious meltdown on Tuesday and I have a therapy appointment tomorrow that I'm nervous about, so I drew myself a giraffe pep-talk.

I think I'm doing better, but stuff's been pretty up and down. I'll have more to say tomorrow, I think -- I've got a lot to mull over in the meantime, and I'm pretty beat.

I'm on the same side as you

I'm just a little bit behind

(patience) // There will be coffee

"...I want to be treated like the individual I am—a bloodthirsty killer who will do anything for a quickening."

Hello my little ducklings! It is late indeed; I was going to write you a proper post, but I kind of have Jello-brain. SO real quick: projects in the works! I bought Undertale! I've been playing Transistor! I read some comics and checked out more thiiiiiiiiiings! I got a free cheeseburger today! Lots of anime! We have some crazy librarian free-for-all day coming up at work! There will be coffee! Emotions are pretty dumb! Life is a thing with nice bits in! Some things not so nice as well, and that is crummy! What remains of the week is full of plaaannnnnssssssss

why // patience

>O<


Last week ended all crazy. The week before was extra crazy. I might be lucky or I might be a fool -- so I'll take the third option, which is...backburnering? Not that I'm backburnering in anticipation for a specific thing necessarily -- but just...turning down some things so I can focus on the overall state of my mental health/overall life goals kitchen. That metaphor's a pain in the ass, but whatever; I've been drinking (yet another thing I will be addressing/backburnering soon [but after Halloween, goddamnit, best and greatest and most high of all holidays]). Patience and work and patience and craft and proficiency and patience and mindfullness and patience and concentration and patience and patience and delicious projects and

Freethrow confessions

(whispers):  I can't stop listening to Uptown Funk



Edit: YEAH GIRL

But maybe I have come here to die // Free // I let it leave me

Turn your head -- remember:

this is free love;

you are free to bury the body that ties you down (and sets you free)

Take apart the ugly days and you will never see the sun

Yeah, I slip; I'm still an animal // On bittersweetness // (and shit)

People tell me I'm nice. Or sweet. But people don't often ask why I'm nice to people, and I feel like it's ultimately due to pessimism. Pessimism via buddhism/atheism/nihilism? Nothing fucking matters in the long run, and everyone's having a shit time so, since all you can really definitively influence is your immediate reality, you might as well try to make it a better time for everyone, right? Fuck, I don't know. Instead people seem to take it as though I'm naive, which can be frustrating. Look, man: I see the shithole the world is. Everyone's just going about their life while getting shit on all the time -- but it's not all shit. There are some puppies in there too. I guess that might make it more shit because we eventually have to give up those nice, albeit shit-covered things, but... I guess I feel like any small amount of puppies (or your puppy equivalent) is better than Never Puppies Ever. This post might not make aaaany sense.
Guess who's drinkiiiing.

In your eyes

I see the eyes of somebody I knew before

(long, long), long ago...but

I'm still trying to make my mind up:

am I free

or am I tied up?

I change shapes

just to hide in this place

But I'm still...I'm still an animal.

Nobody knows it but me

when I slip

Early birds // a hollow wound

Bit of a mess last night. I've been awake since like 6 listening to the neighborhood wake up.

 

Left you over by the wishin' well

(wandering, wondering if these trees could tell)

I will sing as your canary bird; take my soul and bury it in the earth.

I will sing as your canary bird

(oh yes I will, yes

I will)

Sunflowers // Run with me

You can't see that I'm just the same

as all the stupid people who you hate

I'm not saying I'm free from blame 'cause

I need all the friends I can get

Tonight is the night we tried natto and learned what sour feet taste like. Things are things, and friends are good. I have plans for stuff in the works, and I'm nervous but hopeful. I'm also still a bit ill and up waaaaay past my bedtime. I blame these gosh darn skeletons.