There will be snacks

Look, blog: it has been quite a week. The weekend before last was QUITE A WEEKEND. I'm not going to talk to you about how language can never truly convey experience of the multi-faceted, infinitely complex and dense reality we exist in, but I am going to bail on a recap of aforementioned week/weekend and instead post pretty pictures.

 

(MY ROOMMATES WENT TO PORTLAND AND GOT SNAAAACKS)

excuse me plz where can I locate this book

no

"Running away from her sheltered life, Maggie Jones wants to start fresh. Instead, she finds trouble in Paradise, Colorado. Within days she's on the radar of fire chief Jake MacLaughlin. And when her family starts to play matchmaker, Maggie's plans for a quiet life are turned upside down. Though he's the small town's most eligible bachelor, Jake is far from a playboy. The widower isn't interested in dating. But when Maggie transforms from mousy to magnificent, and suitors start lining up, the fireman can't resist a rescue. Pretending to be a couple rekindles their spark for life…and for love"

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

I just want you to... take a real good look at this, ok

Your mommy IS A BEAR

This is just some nightmare fuel right here

It's lupus

...she's got red lipstick

& a bright pair of shoes

& she's got knee high socks (what, to cover a bruise)

she's got an old death kit she's been meaning to use, she's got

blood in her eyes, in her eyes for you; she's got blood

in her eyes for you

look i am sorry about my bad poetry ok

Sing // Gratitude

I sing I sing
I'm the luckiest little thing
to have
such beautiful creatures who love me
to love me
You you you
fever dream come true wanna
hold hands build lands
fight for what the heart demands
No one gets to live for long but
clumsy notes stumbled chords jumbled
melody or harmony -- lover, lover
sweet and strong:
bring that beat
I'll sing
your song

There's no court for our case // I'm a machine without a switch // In pursuit of lucid dreams

I've

been awake

to see the day

devour the night;

I've

seen decay

give way to growth and make the most

of nearly nothing

 

 

  

Don't call me down

But you can meet me where I land

if we're all matter, what's it matter; does it matter if we're matter when we're done?

Hello ducklings -- it is the day of my birth and it has been quite A Thing. Let's move on from that to something I wrote the other day but didn't get around to posting. Clink! Clink.

We had survived to turn on the History Channel

and ask our esteemed panel

"why are we alive?"

And here's how they replied:

"you're what happens when two substances collide --

and by all accounts, you really should have died."

"... The great boon of repression is that is makes it possible to live decisively in an overwhelmingly miraculous and incomprehensible world, a world so full of beauty, majesty, and terror that if animals perceived it at all they would be paralyzed to act. 

But nature has protected the lower animal by endowing them with instincts. An instinct is a programmed perception that calls into play a programmed reaction. It is very simple. Animals are not moved by what they cannot react to. They live in a tiny world, a sliver of reality, one neuro-chemical program that keeps them walking behind their nose and shuts out everything else. But look at man, the impossible creature! Here nature seems to have thrown caution to the winds along with the programmed instincts. She created an animal completely open to experience. Not only in front of his nose, in his umwelt, but in many other umwelten. He can relate not only to animals his own species, but in some ways to all other species. He can contemplate not only what is edible for him, but everything that grows. He not only lives in the moment, but expands his inner self to yesterday, his curiosity to centuries ago, his fears to five billion years from now when the sun will cool, his hopes to an eternity from now. He lives not only on a tiny territory, nor even on an entire planet, but in a galaxy, in a universe, and in dimensions beyond visible universes. It is appalling, the burden that man bears, the experiential burden. As we saw in the last chapter, man can't even take his own body for granted as can other animals. It is not just hind feet, a tail that he drags, that are just "there," limbs to be used and taken for granted or chewed off when caught in a trap and when they give pain and prevent movement. Man's body is a problem to him that has to be explained. Not only his body is strange, but also its inner landscape, the memories and dreams. Man's very insides--his self--are foreign to him. He doesn't know who he is, why he was born, what he is doing on the planet, what he is supposed to do, what he can expect. His own existence is incomprehensible to him, a miracle just like the rest of creation, closer to him, right near his pounding heart, but for that reason all the more strange."

This is a DAMN FINE read so far, though I may have been biased right from the beginning. As soon as I picked it up and read the back I felt like I'd found someone who had managed to put into (very eloquent) terms just... a bunch of crap that had been bouncing around in my head for awhile, but which I had no way of properly framing because sometimes I not the words good. I just... I feel like I get this book on a very visceral level -- in some ways I feel like I've been mentally dissecting culture with this "ego/denial of death" thing for awhile. I mean... I pick stuff apart a lot. I'm probably not someone you want to see a movie with because I'll pull out of suspension of disbelief a lot just to make fun of it -- but I feel like all of that is just my reaction to what I perceive as the writer's/s' intent, or their...assertion of ego via assumptions they make about culture, be they unconscious or intentional -- and those assumptions have felt, to me, as though they all have this reaction to death at the root because they have to, even when it's completely unintentional or has nothing to do with the subject matter in any way. It's just there, and it's so amazing to be able to mentally wave this book around yelling "HEY LOOK THIS GUY GETS IT."
So read this, is what I'm saying. This is honestly something I would jam into any and every human's brain if I could. Let me jam it into yours, dear...roughly three people that read this blog! Yeah, you heard me. Let me jam it in. >O<
fufufu

Like a signal fire

When we were young, we used to live so close to it

And we were scared and we were beautiful

Oh, baby, every morning there are mountains to climb

Oh, and I feel that nothing in life could ever be like this again

'Cause your love kept me alive and made me insane

They say that I am crazy

my life wasting on this road

that time will find my dreams

scared or dead and cold

But I heard there is a light

drawing me to reach an end

and when I reach there, I'll turn back

and you and I can begin again

I've got 200 more miles
of rain asphalt in line before I sleep

But there'll be no warm sheets

or welcoming arms

to fall into tonight

Sickly sticker stockery

Down to the wire on projects... I got wicked sick (fever, the works) this past weekend and finishing everything has been kind of nuts. I CAN'T WAIT TO BE DONE WITH ALL THIS STUFF I HATE LOGISTICS YOU GUYS AAAAAAAAAAAARRRGH

I'm ordering stickers today, but I still need to get posters and business cards... luckily I think the shipping time on those will be shorter, or I may be able to get them done in town? We'll see. At least the internet's working again so I can crack down on planning things a little easier -- trying to pull all this up on my phone was kind of tricky.

I got some feels I was going to lay down here, but I don't have the time; I barely have the time for the feels themselves -- if they'd quit being so pushy I could just ignore them entirely and that would be JUST FINE, OK FEELS? OK?!
Gahhh.

*Runs around frantically, as per usual*

heart beats madly like a drum

beating chamber almost numb

it's beating faster and faster

Slow down dear, slow down

You are the ink drawing me

You are the mouth gnawing me

Yours is the voice calling me
star star

You can make me if you try

Gently like a lullaby

Hold me tight inside your arms

Make me feel just like a star

like a star

Flocks & Swarms // Still

Just follow some other storm

Said we're both tied to our own trees / cut me loose, cut me loose

I can't rely -- perhaps I can't decide

For this train never arrives and

all of my lines have been stolen

Yesterday I hated doing lettering and today it feels refreshingly orderly; wtf brain.
This is gonna be a business carrrrd

*buckles down*

Little beast, are you wild as me?
Left some teeth in your enemies
We won't be broken
There's no curse we haven't spoken
There is no oath, there is no spell
To deliver us, to make us well

Anatoli, do you miss the cold war?

DRAWING SPREE CONTINUES, often into the wee hours (uuuuhghhh). Trying to quit smoking again (bluhh). Finishing up some paintings tomorrow if the weather stays nice?

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH I HAVE LIKE A MONTH LEFT AND I HAVEN'T PRINTED ANYTHING YET AAAAAAAAUGHFFFFF

*Runs around frantically*

Sometimes I hate myself for trying to be so bold,

but nothing ever seems to get this story told

(Hey lover, hey lover, hey lover, hey lover, 

Hey lover, hey lover, hey lover, hey lover)

I'll never tell her when she plays a song I never heard

because I always learn the music and forget the words

but I want to ride with her, and I wish I sung that well

Just copy, paste, Google-search, and send it to myself

Put that needle to the groove and sing

Are there dark parts to your mind?

Hidden secrets left behind

where no one ever goes -- but everybody knows

(It's all right)

If you call me I won't be home

I'm hiding from the kingdom come

They can't see everything on earth

With the satellites and the roving drones

Latelatelate

"AAAAAUGH I PROMISE I WILL POST THINGS SOON"
--Me, over a month ago

Dudes, all kinds of stuff's been goin' down; I wish I had some more time to get into it, but I'm running out the door to work; HERE'S OUR BANNER FOR AO AND A FEW OTHER LITTLE THINGS; I GOT MORE IN THE WORKS OHMYGOD THERE IS STILL SO MUCH TO DOOOOOO

BE WELL, LOVELIES! ~
*runs out the door*

Lights out

Life is magical and magic is dangerous and sexy and mad and terrifying and exhausting and mad. IT'S BEEN A LONG, MAD TIME, BLOG-CHAN.

I'm sorry. The holidays ate me and then life continued to eat me. I am et. I'll have some art things to post soon (convention table deadline in May! I'll be finishing things until then and will be posting as I go). I also have more Ninja Assassin Romance Adventures hanging out in my drafts, but that may be a little farther out. AAAAAUGH I PROMISE I WILL POST THINGS SOON

Stuff is...nice.
...which is terrifying?! Who fucking knows; I'm done.

Maybe all we can really know is that FJM is a genius

Sir the coroner has determined cause of death to be "the holidays"

Every Sunday's getting more bleak; / a fresh poison each week

Something meaty for the main course

That's a fine looking high horse

Hey, just here to remind you that reality is mad and complex and wild and has progressed so far already beyond anything our ancestors could even conceptualize as possible

NEW FUCKING SHAPES OF DNA

ONE STEP CLOSER TO ROBOT EYES, BABY

THIS SHIT

(Turing, robot weaving, design and algorithms and all kinds of good stuff)

Got some mad plans this week, and the holidays have been mad already. GOT SOME DELICIOUS BOOK CANDIES RECENTLY but they'll have to wait for a later post, lovely as they are.

My BFF Amaikeki came over and we watched SO MANY THINGS. One of them was I'm a Cyborg, But That's OK, and I am kind of in love with it

Dis chick

This movie is lovely. I'm not explaining any more, you're just going to have to see it.

8B

* * * * *

No masters or kings when the ritual begins;

there is no sweeter innocence than our gentle sin

In the madness and soil

of that sad earthly scene

only then I am human,

only then I am clean

Beasts // I fear I'll die from complications // Another lesson that has gone unlearned

That video's a punchy start for what will probably be a depressing post, but I was on a metal kick the other day and it makes me feel better.

There's been crap going down, and I'm kind of at my limit. Details aside, I'm tired of expecting Mutual Trustcake from someone and receiving, instead, a generous helping of Does-not-give-two-shits Pie.

I guess I don't know how I come across (on this blog or in real life), but I don't think I'm that hard to get along with -- it's not often that I'm legitimately angry about something. I have a hard time getting close to people sometimes because of a lot of past shit, but if you're ostensibly my friend and you know some of that about me (because I trust you and talk about it)... isn't it worse when you then take advantage of my trust in exactly the manner you know I've been struggling with and which has been damaging to me? I don't know if I'm explaining myself very well, but this whooooole thiiiing is bullshit.

I guess it's that age-old question "Why do humans fuck each other over so much?" ...and the more recent question, "How do you mentally justify yourself taking advantage of/being a huge asshole to another person to the point of losing a friendship -- before abruptly shrugging off the conversation entirely so that you can go play Orcs Must Die."

Tldr; never hope or trust?

It's not so bad -- I got to hang out with some spectacular people this past weekend, and that definitely helped. I just feel really betrayed and angry, and there are swarms of questions buzzing around in my brain -- that are basically just "Why? Why would you do this?" -- and driving me slowly mad until I theoretically scream them into someone's face, purging them from my psyche.

There's also the usual part of my brain going no one fucking caaaares. Nothing has any inherent meaning; you're a damn fool and people are sick of hearing about your shit.

Yeah, sorry. A real carnival of laughs, this post.

I'm out.

* * *

"Oh where are we going?"

said the brown dog to the hen;

but just because they were animals 

doesn't mean they couldn't have been men 

Oh, let' s go down to Bremen;

take my paw in your hand

and we'll sing for our supper,

in that freest of the freest --

people need to see us --

the freest of the freest land.

It was part of the plan:

everybody would stand

on their hind legs:

hands holding high the other.

Like a tower of brothers.

* * *

Then there's my father
he's always looking on
the bright side

Saying things like
“Son, life just ain’t that hard”

He is the grand optimist,
I am the world’s poor pessimist
You give him burdens sometimes
and he will escape unscarred

I guess I take after my mother.

But this is not a cry for pity or for sympathy